My child would be around 15 years old.
What if I am Death?
A scarry question to ask. She onboarded onto a self-discovery course where you would hide away from media for 12 weeks and work through your own core beliefs regarding subjects Death, Love and God.
In preparation to meet Death, the challenge of week 2 was to relive 10 most crucial life/changing situations.
One of them was abortion.
It was a regular blood check at the gynecologists, as far as she remembered. She received a call after school, she was in her room and the nurse said the doctor would like to have a word. Once the doctor was on the line, he asked her to sit down. In worry, she did. He then said the three words: "You are pregnant."
During the week 2 exercise she only cried, and felt sorry for herself: a younger self back then, new to the country, deeply in her "teeny"-love with the American guy: both were damned to have a long distance relationship. She was awfully afraid: of her parents and society opinions. She only knew - it was unplanned. She only felt - it is an "obstacle" to the university plans. What did she know about being a parent, being a Mum back then?
Of course, she informed the Father. He was pro baby and promised to take the new family to Texas.
It so happened, that at the same time, her friend was pregnant too, being brave enough to face her parents' anger and carry out her child. I bet neither of them knew how to be a good Mother, it had to be "on the job training".
It felt like she was running out of time. It felt like she could not tell anyone. It felt like people and circumstances tried to prove her wrong.
It was not easy. She had to collect papers from psychologists and family planning, do checks and above it all - keep it a secret. That was the most difficult part. Everywhere she looked and went to, there were happy pregnant young girls expecting. They were accepted and loved. She felt a white crow, desperately sorry for herself. It was her first time during that period to cry in public, to go to a psychologist. Defying all arguments and risks, she decided to (what she now calls as) be Death. It was her first to have an abortion.
The day came. In the morning, she went "to school". At the doctors', she had to sign all the papers stating she would not claim against anyone and that she understood there was a risk of not being able to be pregnant ever again.
Bonus, the doctors were kind and discrete.
She laid down on the operation table and got a dose of narcosis.
Her last words to the anesthesiologist were: "You are just like my father..."
"Really?", he leaned closed to her, over her right shoulder and looked into her eyes. "How is your father then?"
"...So kind and caring..." she murmured.
She fell asleep.
It was her 2nd operation. It was lighter than the first one, thank God - no breathing machines were moving her breast 2nd time, no rehabilitation for days. She was allowed to go home same day, just after a couple of hours and the anesthesiologist gave her a lift, as he extra came from the neighbour village to go back to his surgery.
At home, she "lied" to her parents that she was not feeling well "at school" and went to her room. Mum was not prepared to see her so early and since the PC was in her room with all the digital books online to read, Mum stayed in her room whilst she crawled onto bed and curled up in an embryo position with awful stomach pain. The pain continued for what felt like months. She bleeded. She had to go back to the gynecologists for check ups. She kept a diary.
One day after school, she found her Mum crying in the kitchen. It was her first time seeing Mum like that. They never spoke about it. Mum was lying about her reasons to cry. In return, her daughter was lying about "going to school" and reasons for not feeling well.
In the end, I now realise that we are all Death from time to time: choosing to split or kill a relationship or destroying something in anger. As bizarre it may sound, still Death is part of life. Not a scarry part to me, not anymore. A friend and a consultant instead - I may tell you more in future.
Whilst preparing to write this article, I googled some debates around the subject of abortion. I realise there opponents have great pro and counter arguments. And still I am grateful for all the pro abortion statements and blogs out there. I could now use it back then, but it soothes me a bit now. Love. Love towards life and children, but also love and mercy towards "Mums who decide not to be a Mum (yet)".
I would like to think it was a deeply personal decision and a better choice to have an abortion and to be Death 15 years ago.
P.S. Picture featured in this article is by www.JulijaErmakow.com