"This is incorrect. I said I was letting you close, just not close enough to get me hurt. It is a big difference to saying I do not let you in at all..." He said and blinked softly, waiting for reaction.
She stood up from her comfy grey chair to look out of the window. How. How did they even get to this conversation. When she mentioned the Buddha bar in Paris, she meant to provoke positive sensual memories rather than the (windows)-safe-mode.
Disappointed with the silence, Tiger continued: "Do you also have this protection mode in place, from times back ago?"
Oh, she must have given him clues in the past, from her past, that she was gravitating towards "shrinking and selectively trusting".
"Yeah, I understand, of course I want to protect myself. But what if it is the love of my life, my soulmate in front of me and all I am focused on is protecting myself", she argued. Sly Scarlett... wise to judge. In fact, she was two-facing. Of course, everything she lived in (for the last year or so) was her self-protection castle. All their relationship started on the base of self-protection, on the scars Rick left. Of course, on the outside she wanted to sound wise, that was why I-know-it-all type of answers left her mouth.
"Yeah," relief was in his voice. "That is why I let you in, step by step, but I do not control it, it is my unconscious that decides 'OK, she is now one step closer' (one level further, like in some sort of a bloody computer game)". Lol. Not so lol.
Usually, Tiger was playing, he was known for being a charmer. Mister find-the-perfect-thing-to-say-at-exactly-the-right-time. She called it 'seamless brownie points'. Just not during this conversation. She was interested in his 'unconsciousness'-theory, curious to understand but somehow she was closing up at the same time.
Why? Scarlett was disappointed to hear from 'her hero' all the stuff he was saying that night. What he was telling her (in a nut shell) translated into him being a victim to his subconsciousness (aren't we all though?). It ruled his love life, and managed the depth of his relationships. Easy to say "I had this horrendous experience in the past, I no longer control my (love) life, I am locking myself away to protect myself".
Thanks though, for talking about it and showing her, facing her with this interesting fact to think about.
Men are women's mirrors. He shined stuff back at her.
Scarlett the Schlaumeier
She started reading and researching. Articles led her back to thinking about Rick, where she was reluctant to be grateful because she was hurt and disappointed.
As a conclusion to her research, she figured the below.
Pain after a break up is strengthened through our trend to exaggerate break ups: we treat those as void, we fear the pain e.g. we may think those people are gone, hence love is gone, they took something valuable away that we can never regain. Noone can replenish this feeling and there is noone like our ex. To avoid this suffering all together, we do the following things in relationships: we pretend to be someone we are not (low self-worth and missing feeling of belonging, rather trying to fit in) and we shrink/restrict ourselves from saying something that we know the loved one would enjoy, instead we keep the words to ourselves.
We think along the lines:
- Oh, you are stubborn, but you know 'wot'? I am 'stubborner'!
- You do not care? Do you think I was born yesterday? I am the inventor of "don't care".
Shrinking like this, using our self protection system, we cause alienation instead of a real bond. Fake relationship is then destined to die a la "I will forever wonder why". We damage ourselves, this is a delicate un-equillibrum. Imposters.
Opposite may happen, too. We cling to and dissolve in the partner, forgetting to live our own independent life, where we can cultivate energy to bring into the relationship.
Scarlett realised, that all the collected scars were lessons and blessings. What past relationships taught her, was to be herself, speak the truth and that love comes from the place of abundance and overflowing self-love.
Speak for Yourself
All of this is written not to offend, but to self-reflect.
She then decided to consciously take a step-by-step approach of working on herself and getting out of the comfort zone, learning to show love by action.
By the way, the Schlaumeier part is not over: our thinking may be clouded in the first period of a break up. But the void is not true. Good news is that love is in you. Noone can take it. It is always in you, you just need to rediscover it. Don't know how? Go to your inner child.
Less overthinking, more awesomeness and greatness. More style like the headless Nike (#WhereDidILeaveMyHead).
Let your partner mirror maturity and true love at you.
No more boarders, no more walls, no more self-protection. The depth two partners' hearts can compare to the Mariana Trench or the universe. ♥
By the way, I will share a link to the Paris Spotify Playlist, so you can get into the mood xoxo.