The Million Dollar Question - NYC

It was promising to be a normal Sunday in New York. Little I knew, setting off for breakfast.

By looking at locations on Google maps, I saw it stored some pins of places I researched. One of them was our original hotel, where we were supposed to be staying in NYC as a couple. Now, he was staying there alone.

For those, who had been following my blog stories, the million dollar question would be "What happened in NYC?" And if we had ever seen each other again.

That Sunday I had touristy plans for myself in NYC. So I was surprised that an idea of checking out the hotel came to my mind spontaneously on my way through the little Italy. I was going crazy about this thought and the turmoil around it in addition to seeing him again. Craziness, mixed with excitement, continued during the entire breakfast.

Done with my breaky, I set off anew. For sights, I thought...

To discart the idea of going to see him, my self-talk was along these lines: "Don't give into this love and chemistry that clouded your common sense in the first place." Then suddenly, I guess all was clouded because I found myself riding there to the hotel.

Next stop. My body felt like before an important exam.

My risky self aimed close to the hotel and found it pretty quickly close to the Central Park.

My plan was to go inside, see the venue and call on him to "say hi". I know right :$?!

I was about to enter the building. Turned my head, and under the scaffoldy (is this a word?) tunnelly (what about this?) structure, there I recognised a figure moving familiar. It was him walking to the hotel on my right. Fortune? How could it be that I arrived exactly at the point of time when he was walking back ... time timed it for us to "bump" into each other.

No way back. Now it is happening, he is in front of you approaching you. You wanted it, you came here. A part of me was so confused and afraid, I was ready to run.

His face was strict.

Omg does he want to be rude with me?

A thousand thoughts..

I guess he has just not seen me yet...

Heartbeat. All happening in slow motion and it feels like ages - him approaching me. I feel like frozen. I feel excited. I feel like I am standing and observing the scene from the outside, I feel inadequate.

Then he recognised me.

First "proper" meet up after 1,5 months.

He was surprised. He laughed. Later, in a post card, he would describe it as "I hope you could tell how glad I was to see you" moment. He looked happy for a tiny bit. My heart ached and dropped to my feet breaking into pieces. We could have been spending this holiday together. As a couple. (Btw, are you guys up for "staying friends" after breakups? Meeting up casually?)

He offered me to go inside and sit down in the inner garden of the hotel for a chat.

Games, oh games. No words allowed about ...well things that matter really. No touching. No clues how unhappy we are, I am. Pain.

Where is the hurricane of feelings? I thought it would be more exciting. So weird to chat to an ex on casual topics. "So how were you?"s and "how nice"s. Chit chat. No meaning, all just empty mist.

Someone I used to know well, I thought, but so unusual now to sit and pretend sociality. I cared though. I wanted to see him, hear him talk, but I'd rather prefer a more meaningful conversation than his (nervousness-bound) topics about" helping drunk brides" or "buying boobs for art". This sociality is somehow and sometimes tempting, but not this time. Tempting as it is like starting anew. But we are (a sad) ground zero. It's back to square one. But I know there will be no move forward. No 2nd chances.

During our small talk in the inner garden, he then briefly checked and asked about any possible NYC locations - whether I'd been and what I have seen. He spoke about his adventures and experiences, advised to go up the one WTC tower to see the whole Manhattan.

Then he added "I was at the MoMA on the free night on Friday and I was positive I'd see you there." Heart break once more. Well, "too bad" I was at the Whitney that night.

Still, it is interesting how he mentioned places he had been at the same time as I was there too. And we never met. Only after I actively initiated this meet up on a Sunday morning, we saw each other for the first time after the breakup. Both some time into the holiday, with NYC stories to share and somewhat relaxed (not really, excitement is overwhelming me).

After 10 minutes or so I was done with saying hi, absorbing his look and said "I am setting off. I just wanted to step by. Enjoy the Yankees game." He replied "Yeah, it starts in 3 hours. It is my first one, I've never seen one before " ... I could not be interested less in any baseball game. Or loved the Whitney exhibition less that Friday night.

He added before I left: "Well, let me know if you want to say hi again or do anything. My WhatsApp is on." I don't like easy, is this my problem? I like conquerors.

I smiled: "Enjoy New York, you".

I set off on my own, for new American adventures and visited the MoMA that afternoon. "Être en liberté". Pardon my liberating French.

Everywhere I looked that day, I saw happy couples in love who chose to fight difficulties and stay together.

Sometimes I feel like I can see life through and know what matters most. I believe that care and "no matter what" people prove what love is about. How did it get out of fashion to him? Did it?

Another one million dollar question.

P.S. featured painting in this blog story is by Andrew Wyeth ~ "Christina's world" ~ 1948

Afterword: if you are interested in Blaine's perspective of the above, read my article "Casino Royale Letters"